Manual Funny Quotes

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If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month. Theodore Roosevelt.

Funny Quotes From Famous People

You Person Trouble Your. They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood. I have really fond memories of growing up in Chicago, and I always love going back. I still have a lot of really good friends from high school that I go to dinner with. It's kind of become a tradition when I go out there to do a show to give a few friends a call, tell some funny stories about high school and walk down memory lane.

Love Memories Good Memory. If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. Life My Life Live Over. High school is when I started to get my sense of fashion together. My queen was Candice Swanepoel, who is a friend of mine now, which is kind of funny, but in high school, I was obsessed. I love her street style: she is always in cool boyfriend jeans, boots, and an awesome coat, which is very much like what I wear.

TOP 50 Funniest SENIOR QUOTES of 2018 - Alonzo Lerone

Gigi Hadid. Love Cool Style Together. Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing. Carol Burnett. You People Humor Think. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Hell Heaven Company Go Climate. Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Funny Quotes - BrainyQuote

Humor Long Everything Somebody. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg. Water Plants Fake Pretend. Life is funny. If you don't laugh, you're in trouble. Taylor Hawkins. Life You Laugh Trouble. Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.

Ellen DeGeneres. Bullying You People Humor. It's such a funny thing when you see your daughter transitioning from your baby, your little girl, to suddenly being a young woman. If you're not really looking for it, you can miss it, and Lily-Rose is on that road already, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Johnny Depp. Daughter Girl Woman You. One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. William Feather. Time Finance Think Person. I love mankind; it's people I can't stand. Charles M.

Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.

Steve Jobs. You People Think Some People. I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. Toddler: Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a loveable creature. A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Zsa Zsa Gabor Click to tweet. My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Funny Quotes and Funny Thoughts

Then we met. What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. I love being married. Rita Rudner.

1. Trying to understand certain people.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed. Mike Vanatta.


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Mitch Hedberg. Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid. Dave Barry. Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof. Harry Haenigsen.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. Milton Berle Click to tweet. There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL convertible.

120 Funny Inspirational Quotes Celebrating Life, Love, & Struggles

Men are like a deck of cards. Laura Swenson Click to tweet. The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything. Friedrich Nietzsche. You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.